How My Addiction Progressed

Back to how my addiction to Xanax began… looking back, it feels like it didn’t take long to get hooked at all.  I can remember feeling like it was a magic little pill.  Not only did it make me feel better, but it made me feel good… really good.  My stress and anxiety would melt away and I wouldn’t have a care in the world.

My Road to Addiction

My doctor started me out on a low dose, but I gradually increased it on my own.  When each pill would start to wear off I would feel my skin begin to crawl.  Everything would get tingly and I would become antsy and irritable.  So, I would pop another one.  The times in between these periods grew closer and closer.  After five years, I was up to taking at least 30 pills a day…

addiction responsibility

Now, I don’t like to play the blame game.  I take responsibility for abusing these pills.  However, my doctor did kind of watch this happen.  He had no problem refilling my prescription and increasing my dosage for several years.  He also never warned me that addiction was a huge risk.  Knowing what I know now, no doctor should ever approve Xanax for long-term use.  It’s highly addictive and should be used for short periods of time only.

Eventually my need demand outgrew my supply and I was forced to find “other sources”.  I can be quite resourceful when I want to be and ended up purchasing a steady supply of Xanax ladders.  These are 2mg white and/or yellow bars.  They were awkward and hard to swallow, so most of the time I would just chew them.  🙁

Being the functioning addict that I was, I still maintained a pretty heavy workload.  (I had to in order to support this habit.)  I owned my own house and had all the average young adult bills and responsibilities.  No one even caught on to my habit.  At the time I was living with my ex-boyfriend (another story for another post) who was a huge pothead.  No way he was going to give me any grief about my pill-popping, nor did he know how bad it was.  I think that’s why we lasted for as long as we did.  He was allowing me believe that this was “normal” and that I was just treating my anxiety.  I told myself that everyone had their “crutch” and this was mine.  Wow, that seems so delusional now.

I continued down this road of self-destruction, thinking that it was just my way of life until I had Lasik eye surgery.   That was the day I was caught “drinking” from my pill bottle…

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