Get Through the Bad Days

So, I was having a really bad day the other day and started typing away here.  I never published it, but also didn’t delete it.  I am going to post it now because I made it through the rough couple of days that I was having.  At the time I felt like I couldn’t breathe.  I wanted to crawl into a hole and never come out.  But, I powered through and feel great now.  It’s a good reminder that good days are always just around the corner.

Just a Bad Day Not a Bad Life

What I Wrote on one of the Bad Days…

I am an addict and apparently I always will be.  As soon as I think I am free of these demons that lure me back to pills, they appear again.  As I am typing this, the urge to take a pill is so great I can barely stand it.  I am using this as a distraction because I refuse to go down this road again.  I cannot do it to my family, friends, or my body.  Someone on Facebook posted about addiction yesterday saying it’s “the most selfish disease”, and there’s a lot of truth to that.  However, a lot of people have no idea what it feels like to be the addict.  I am crying so hard right now I can barely see the screen.  I am fighting and, to me, that’s not selfish.  I know that if I reach into my drawer and grab that tiny little pill, all this pain will go away.  I also know, that after a few hours, the pain will come back even worse.  I am a prisoner in my own brain.  A defective, piece of shit brain that was designed to torture its owner.  My muscles are sore from the constant twitching that I cannot control.  My eyes are killing me from shutting them so tightly that I am on the verge of breaking blood vessels.  This sucks.  I don’t know how to escape it.  If I increase my medications that my doctor prescribed I might as well just quit everything.  They make me such a zombie that there’s no way I could resume normal life.  Work is impossible and so are most daily tasks.  So, I am taking the bare minimum and trying to deal with that.

Ugh.  That’s my unedited ramblings from a really rough day.  I forced myself to not crawl into bed and cry all day.  Usually, that’s what I do.  I shut myself off from the world and no one even realizes that there’s a problem.

I showered, got ready, pulled myself together, and went to visit my Grandmother.

As always, the next morning was a new day.  They aren’t all bad days.  Just have to learn to breathe through the bad ones so you can really enjoy the good ones.

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